“Everything you want is on the other side of fear”

Jake Canfield

I think one of the biggest fears for people with herpes is that we won’t find someone who is okay with us and our disease.

My diagnosis has convinced me that I am unworthy of love.

I’ve always had a pretty good idea of what I want out of the relationships in my life. I had little interest in meaningless hookups or entertaining something I didn’t really want. I’ve had my fun, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve always been intentional with the people I open up to and share myself with. Before my diagnosis, I never doubted my ability to love and be loved. Even though I’m the same person that I was, it’s like I’m not her at all.

Friends

Very few people know me, like know me know me. That was the case before getting herpes but it’s even more so true now. In the year of having HSV, three people besides my family know about it. There wasn’t really a moment of hesitation when it came to telling my two best friends that I lived with in college. It added a nice layer of relief knowing they lived in a different state than me and if there was even a chance they’d tell someone, it wasn’t going to be someone I knew or someone we went to school with. Being able to laugh, cry, and have existential crisis about herpes with them got me through the first layer of grief. When I moved across the country for graduate school, I had no intention of telling anyone for a long time, or at least until I was comfortable enough. I spent the first month or so after my move trying to find peace with my diagnosis. I journaled, spent as much time as I could outside, started eating right, and tried to be mindful of my thoughts. School started and I was in a really great place, my mind felt clear and I felt good about myself. Then, I had my second outbreak and none of that progress seemed to matter. When I got back from picking up my prescription, I lost it. I was reliving all of the pain. Once I pulled myself together, I realized I needed to tell someone here because dealing with it alone was only making it harder. I gathered the courage and told one of my new friends, and we’ve been almost inseparable since. Telling her and having her in my life has helped me get one step closer to accepting my reality and feeling okay with it. My best friend from home doesn’t know I have HSV, and I don’t know if she ever will. Even though I wish I could tell her, the thought of people knowing from my hometown scares the shit out of me.

Guys

When my time abroad ended, so did the contact I had with the guy who gave me herpes. We made the most of the few months we had together, but my mental health declined enough for me to go home early and leave him behind, too. For what it’s worth, he managed to keep me afloat and I’m glad he stayed by my side through that time. Once I got home and my situation became reality, I couldn’t see how I’d navigate relationships. I couldn’t casually hookup or date if I wanted to. I had no idea how to tell someone I have herpes. When do you tell someone? I felt like if I told someone in early days, there’s absolutely no way they’d still want to get to know. I felt like if I told someone after getting to know them and hooking up, they’d feel like I lied or betrayed them. I knew one thing for sure though, I wouldn’t expect anyone to be okay with it. How was a guy going to accept it if I couldn’t even accept it? Would I date or hookup with someone who had herpes? I would never do to someone what he did to me.

My gynecologist told me that if I use protection while on the antivirals, asymptomatic shedding transmission risk is so unlikely I didn’t need to disclose my STD to a one night stand or casual hookup. The risk of transmission between couples who are sexually active weekly for a year is about 2-3% on antivirals. So out of 365 days there may be seven days someone could be exposed. I started taking daily antiviral medication in August.

I met someone. He’s the only person I’ve slept with since and I never told him. I think about that just as much as I think about him. There’s so much I want to tell him and thank him for but I’m terrified. The funny thing is, I’ve known who he is for two years and never formally met him. I wonder what kind of joke it is that we finally got time together once I was broken, once I had herpes.

The fears and anxiety I have about dating affect me almost daily. I have so much love to give, I just hope someone can see beyond my diagnosis and be okay with who I am.